"I was one tough baby! Don't mess with me."

Doing this run for Children's has made me think about Lauren's time there. As I mentioned in an early post, she had open heart surgery to repair a birth defect when she was 4 months old, and as you can imagine, that experience was trying. Thankfully, the surgery was a huge success and Lauren has absolutely NO side-effects or limitations - she's 100% a perfectly normal 5 year old girl. I often joke that the surgery helped to make her tough as nails - she really is one tough little girl.

Here's a blurb that I wrote a few weeks after we returned from the hospital. I thought you all might be interested in seeing it for the first time, or again for those who were involved at the time...

A Mommy’s Thoughts

First, we would like to thank everyone for all of your support through all of this. Your kind words, thoughts, and prayers were so very appreciated, and helped us more than you will ever know. This was incredibly difficult for us, but knowing that we had many people pulling for Lauren was very comforting.

Now that it’s all over, I wanted to put everything down before it was a distant memory. I learned a lot over the 5 days that we were in the hospital, and I don’t want to forget anything. Some random thoughts about the experience:

• Handing your child over for surgery is probably one of the hardest things a parent can do. On Friday morning, when we were at home getting ready to head to the hospital, I seriously considered packing a bag and just stealing Lauren away. Driving to Florida and assuming a new identity seemed like a very reasonable idea. I had to try very hard to remember that she needed this surgery and that it was for the best. I spent a lot of time kissing her perfect little chest that morning, realizing that it was the last time it would look like that. Lauren was so happy and calm that morning – she only started to fuss when it was LONG past her breakfast time. It was difficult for me to hold her, because what she wanted was to nurse, and I couldn’t do it. After her vitals were taken, Lauren was given a mild sedative to relax her so that her IV could be placed. She was so calm and happy, and was chewing on her fist while I rocked her in the pre-op area. It was nearly impossible for me to hand her over to the anesthesia team. I found that I couldn’t breathe, and was nearly hysterical. Thankfully, Bob was somewhat more composed than I, and he was able to hold me up. If I never feel that way again, it will be too soon.

• Waiting for updates from surgery was surreal. We knew theoretically what was happening to Lauren, and getting the updates was like a strange dream. The incision has been made (“Oh my God, someone has cut open my baby”). She’s now on the heart-lung machine (“My baby’s heart has been stopped, and a machine is in it’s place”). The hole is repaired (“Her heart has been stitched”). She’s now off the heart lung machine (“Her stopped heart was restarted”). They are closing. She’s ok. When the surgeon came out to tell us how everything went, I nearly hugged him as he told us that Lauren was doing well, and that it was all over.

• As techno-weenie geeks, Bob and I had a very difficult time not feeling in command of the situation in the hospital. As we waited in the ICU parent’s room, we felt tortured that we couldn’t see Lauren right away. An hour turned into nearly three, and we were getting downright panicked. We later heard that Lauren’s breathing tube had fallen out, and she had to be reintubated. When we were finally able to see Lauren, we were both taken aback by how she looked. She had a breathing tube taped to her mouth, a tube in her nose, measurement stickers on her forehead, a line into her neck, lines in both hands, two chest tubes draining from her chest cavity, a number of cardiac lines in her chest, and of course, the incision (which was bandaged at the time). She had blood caked on most of her surgical tape, and smeared on her nose, which was bleeding slightly. It was horrible. But, she was ok! We tried to keep perspective, and trusted the staff when they told us that she was doing great, regardless of how we felt when we saw her.

• Soon after we saw Lauren in ICU, a problem came up – she was not responding favorably to the pacemaker. A pacemaker was used to up her heart rate a bit, as this was supposed to help her. The increased heart rate was causing an irregular rhythm and a higher than desired blood pressure. Although her natural heart rate was quite a bit lower than the doctor’s would have liked (high 70’s, rather than 130’s), she seemed to do better without the pacemaker. She was then set to use the pacemaker only if her own heartrate dropped below 60. While everyone assured us that this was a common response, and that she’d most likely be absolutely fine, we were terrified. We spent the rest of the night on Friday watching her monitor, obsessing over her numbers. Finally, the staff convinced us to go home and get some rest, as Lauren would be heavily sedated the entire evening. As hard as it was to leave her, she was under fabulous care, and we desperately needed some rest.

• The next day it was slightly easier to see Lauren. The measurement stickers that were on her forehead were removed, so she looked a bit more like our girlie-girl. By later that afternoon, she had opened her eyes. As wonderful as this was, it was also incredibly difficult, as she looked at us with pleading eyes that simply screamed “help me.” She was clearly very upset with the breathing tube. Thankfully, the tube was removed later that evening, and she was breathing on her own very well. That afternoon her chest tubes were also removed, which was another relief. She was still quite sleepy however. Finally, at just after midnight, Lauren woke up, and she was HUNGRY! She was able to nurse without any problems. Although it was terrifying to hold her, and it was difficult with all of the wires, it was absolutely wonderful to hold her again.

• Things just got better after Saturday evening. Lauren nursed like a champ every 3 hours, and although she was having trouble keeping the milk down (she had a lot of gunk in her stomach and lungs), it was actually helpful for her to vomit to rid herself of the gunk. She was ready to move to the regular floor by mid-afternoon on Sunday, and she was nearly back to her normal, happy self. By Monday, she really was back to her old self, and we felt quite wonderful. Seeing her incision after her bandage was removed was incredibly difficult, but knowing that she was fine helped to calm us by that point.

• It’s amazing how perspective can help make you feel better, even when you feel like things couldn’t be worse. Whenever we were really down and feeling sorry for ourselves, we saw others in more difficult situations. We noticed two newborns in the ICU, yet unnamed. We couldn’t begin to imagine how difficult it would be to have your newborn whisked away for surgery and the ICU. We saw a mother of one of these babies who was pumping for her son. I’m on my second nursling, and have pumped while at work without any problems, and I found full-time pumping to be awful. Managing this while your milk is coming in, and you are recovering from childbirth, and your baby is in intensive care is too much to contemplate. We also met a few parents who were at the hospital for the second time, and who had more visits in the future. Thankfully, Lauren’s visit should be her last.
  

We are now at home, and Lauren is our girlie-girl! Her newly fixed
heart has apparently made her hungry as a bear, as she is now eating nearly constantly. We would not be surprised if she suddenly climbs the weight charts, and her multiple chins are truly adorable! I am treasuring the time I have with her sleeping and nursing in my arms, free from wires and tubes. Hopefully she will view her scar as a badge of honor.

“I was one tough baby! Don’t mess with me.”